ceremonies that shaped me: Father of the Bride

When I say ‘Wedding’ or ‘Funeral’ or ‘Ceremony’, what comes to mind? In this series, I’m going to be exploring how have the ceremonies we’ve watched on TV, read about in books or been to in person shaped us. How have they boxed us into expectations or empowered us to break free from ‘the norm’? 

For me, there is nowhere else to start than Father of the Bride. Now what I'm talking about here is the 1991 version starring Steve Martin, Martin Short and Diane Keaton. It’s actually based on a 1949 book by Edward Streeter and there is an earlier version made in 1950 starring Spencer Tracey, which I would strongly recommend watching - it's amazingly similar to the 90s version. Recently, there have been a run of remakes along the same story or theme – the 2022 remake with Andy Garcia planted the story in a Cuban-American family; in 2024’s Mother of the Bride, Brooke Shields tries to stop her daughter marrying a wealthy man who just so happens to be the son of a man who broke her heart; and Julia Roberts and George Clooney took it to a whole new level in 2022’s Ticket to Paradise as a divorced couple who team up to sabotage the impending wedding of their daughter in Bali.  

But it’s the wonderful 90s version that I had on VHS and watched time and time again. Consciously and subconsciously, it shaped what I thought a wedding should be. My sister and I even watched it on the morning of my own wedding as we had our hair and make-up done.

For those of you who don’t know (how can you not know?!), the premise is that devoted Dad, George Banks, becomes flustered when his 22 year old daughter Annie comes home and introduces her parents to the 25 year old man that she’s known for 6 weeks and is now her fiancé. As I write this, considerably older than the age when I first saw it, I now don’t think that his reaction is that unconsidered. But it was the 90s and the average age that people got married was younger (the average was 28 for a woman and 30 for a man – in 2021, it was 36 and 38. Let that sink in). And sure, there are a few other red flags that my older, feminist, emotionally-intelligent head is asking: might you want to introduce someone to your family before announcing that you’re engaged? How well do you really know yourself at 22, let alone knowing if you’re ready to commit yourself to someone else who might not know who they are? Is making a decision as solemn as marriage and life commitments in the throes of a six-week-long sex-romp in Rome really advisable? – but let’s let those things go and get to the ceremony!

Here’s what Father of the Bride taught me:

The bridesmaids walk in first. 

I know what you’re thinking. So what? But in the 90s, I promise you this was RADICAL. It was still radical in Suffolk, UK in 2014: when my sister got married that August, I distinctly remember her telling the vicar, ‘No, no, the bridesmaids are going to come in before me because the bride should be the final person to come in. That's what it's all ramping up to.’ And I remember him saying, ‘Wow, that's different. We haven't done that before.’ 

Wear comfortable shoes, bespoke if possible.

Handily, George Banks owns a company, Sidekicks, that makes trainers. This isn’t an Etsy sidehustle. It’s a factory with what looks like at least 100 employees. So yes, it’s on-brand that under her Grace-Kelly inspired gown, Annie is wearing a pair of specially made trainers with laces of actual lace. Plus the wedding is in January, it’s been wet the night before and the itinerary for the day is CRAZY, so she’s going to have to run around a lot. 

Music is everything – but be careful of the bandwagon

Pachelbel's Canon in D. What a classic. Again, radical for the time when ‘Here Comes the Bride’ was still dominating the aisles – and rather abruptly, Annie’s aisle music shifts to this, despite the few thousand dollars that’s been spent on the string quartet. For a long time, I was sure that this was the music I was going to walk down the aisle to, because it was 'so original and no-one knew it'. Skip 20 years into the future and I…didn't. Canon in D was absolutely EVERWHERE in the late 90s and early noughties – Runaway Bride, Smallville, The Proposal, I Love You Man, The Wedding Crashers, The Wedding Planner, to name but a few. Chose music that means something to you – but beware that it might also mean something to everyone else in the room.

And make sure that your string quartet are being put to good use. 

Weddings don’t have to cost this much!

‘Nothing fancy or overblown’ is the starting point for discussions about what type of wedding Annie and her fiancé Brian (have their ever been more 90s names?) are going to have. You’d never know.

There's been so many things written about the Father of the Bride wedding and just how ridiculous the cost of it is. At the beginning of the film, George himself admits that’s that it’s more than he paid for his house 5 bedroom detached Californian house 17 years before. The house does exist – it’s in Pasadena and would have cost around $70,000 when George and Nina Banks bought it in the 1970s – and has a current estimated value of $3.5million. A 2024 Brides magazine article, written with the help of a luxury wedding planner, estimates that the wedding, if held today, would cost $500,000. THAT’S £400,000!! That’s 17 TIMES more than the UK average. Even in the 1990s, a cost of $250 per person and $1,200 for a cake felt steep – despite wedding planner Franck Egglehoffer’s derisive laugh ‘Welcome to the 90s, Mr Bonk!’

What are the things that really matter to you, that represent who you are – and what are the things that really don’t and can be gotten rid of – which helps both purse strings and planet. You don’t need the swans.

Get married somewhere that means something to you.

‘Our favourite restaurant. The place we’ve been eating at for fifteen years.’

Ok, so George’s heart was in the right place when he suggests a wedding venue that might suit Annie and Brian, even if The Steak Pit – ‘a rib joint with sawdust on the floor’ – doesn’t quite meet the dream. Eating out didn’t feature much in our world in 90s Suffolk, so the equivalent might have been the Little Chef. But Annie, rightly and simply, says that she’d like to have the wedding in a Church and the reception at her beloved family home. She wants her day to be in places that mean something to her. Given that religion doesn’t seem to feature particularly strongly in family life, might there have been a possibility for Annie and Brian to have considered a celebrant-led ceremony in the garden – in the implausibly large marquee that they’re going to build to house their 200+ guests? I wish there had been – how special it would have been.

There are an abundance of beautiful venues and spaces that are available to you on your special day. Choose a space that means something to you both, that is part your story, that says something about who you are, a place that feels like you.

Weddings aren’t just about you

You might hate me for saying it, but it’s true. They are about sharing your commitment with the community of people who strengthen, love and uplift you. Like everything in life, it takes a village. George’s beautiful speech that opens the film talks about his relationship with his daughter:

‘You have a little girl. An adorable little girl who looks up to you and adores you in a way you could never have imagined. I remember how her little hand used to fit inside mine. How she used to love to sit on my lap and lean her head against my chest. She said I was her hero.’

Sob. I well up every time I hear it.

He talks about how the wedding marks the day when he finally loses his daughter, when another man becomes the ‘hero’ in her story. This is all to say that the day is a monumental one for you, for the couple at the centre – but there are lots of other people who have also been dreaming about this day. In many ways, it’s the moral of the film. It feels ridiculous that George and Annie don't get a moment together before the end of the night -particularly when there’s apparently a whole team of wedding planners and managers on site. But even without that drama, the day does go, as everyone says, so quickly.

What are the ways in which the special people in your life ways can feel special, recognised, included, remembered, seen – either within or perhaps outside of the usual traditions. Not everyone wants to be walked down the aisle; not everyone feels comfortable giving a speech. How can you carve out little moments to stand with, share a look with, dance with, hold the hand of, the people who mean most to you – and who you mean the most to – in ways that honour their gifts and make them feel loved and comfortable?

Don’t let the wedding overtake the marriage

Like all love stories, this film ends with the ‘happy ever after.’ It’s a film about a wedding, not about a marriage. It’s not even a film about getting married, as George admits at the film’s outset. It’s about a wedding – the stuff that happens, the event, the food, the swans. Now this is absolutely important – but it’s not the most important thing that’s going to happen that day. Without the ceremony, the day would simply be a party, a banquet, a mini-festival. The point of a wedding is to celebrate the commitment being made, in most cases by two, individuals and sharing this commitment with the community of people who are going to love, strengthen and uphold them.

There’s so much pressure to become focused on the napkins, the favours, the stationary, the logistics – how can you find time to think about your marriage, your relationship, how it works? Marriage is the announcement that you’re in this for the long haul, that your relationship is a marathon not a sprint – where is the training that is preparing you for this commitment, this daily practice, this new chapter? 

I’d love to hear about some of your favourite  - or least favourite - wedding ceremonies in TV, books and films and how they’ve impacted you!