How to write wedding vows - inspired by the wedding singer

When I say ‘Wedding’ or ‘Funeral’ or ‘Ceremony’, what comes to mind? In this series, I’m going to be exploring how have the ceremonies we’ve watched on TV, read about in books or been to in person shaped us. How have they boxed us into expectations or empowered us to break free from ‘the norm’? 

I’ve been spending time this week creating a guide to help couples write their own vows. Writing and saying our own vows can certainly be appealing – it allows us to say and express ourselves in bigger and more personal ways that some of the traditional options offer - but it can also seem pretty daunting. 

It’s also a fairly recent expectation. A cursory internet search seems to suggest that the first time an on-screen couple speak their own vows at a wedding ceremony is Donna and David in 90210 (the original, not the remake). The last twenty years or so has been full of them – Monica and Chandler, Phoebe and Mike, Lily and Marshall, April and Andy, Patrick and David, Daenerys and Khal Drogo. 

(Come on then, how many did you get – I know you were counting!)

There are many reasons why these make us laugh and cry – one of the most important of which to remember is that they were all written by teams of professional writers. So don’t go too hard on yourself.

One that came to my mind straight away was Robbie Hart’s song Grow Old With You in one of my absolute faves, The Wedding Singer. Now yes, technically these aren’t vows performed at a ceremony,  but the promises that it lays out are perfect at capturing what it means to make a marriage. In fact, it ranks pretty highly in wedding blogs suggesting readings or songs. The tone, the words, the delivery are everything that we encourage at celebrant-led ceremonies – personal, funny, touching, memorable and filled with meaning.

So, here are some of my tips on how to write your own vows – with help from Robbie Hart.

Speak from the heart and be yourself

There aren’t many moments in life when we get to speak our truth aloud. You’re probably choosing to write your own vows because you feel that you have more to say than traditional options allow. And this isn’t the school play. You don’t have to create a character, use posh words or say things that you don’t understand. This is a moment to be unashamedly yourself - let us see who you truly are and what you really feel. From the moment Julia hears Robbie over the aeroplane tannoy, she knows that it could only be Robbie. If you’re a natural comedian, be funny. If you enjoy writing poetry, write a poem. If you’re a natural songbird, sing. If you’re beautiful and soppy, make us cry. Robbie Hart does it all.

Make the time and write it down

Robbie is chasing after Julia to try and stop her marrying her gross fiancé Glenn. He discovers that they’re on the same flight from LA to Vegas - a flight time, it should be noted, of a mere 1 hour and 11 minutes. Take off and landing aside, that's 44 minutes. Robbie’s already spent at least 15 of those recalling the plot so far to his fellow First-Class passengers so he really now is in a race against the clock. Even so, Robbie takes a few moments to take a breath, borrow a guitar from Billy Idol and scribble a few words down on an old magazine.

Your wedding vows are too big to blag or speak off the cuff. Make the time to prepare - put a date in your diary, block it off and stick to it. Write notes on your phone, record voice memos, get creative with post-it notes, sit quietly with a paper and pen, borrow Billy Idol’s guitar - whatever works for you.

Practice slowing down

Nothing calms the nerves more than knowing that you’ve got everything under control. Once you’ve written your vows, speak them aloud. Remember that all your guests will want to hear you, including the ones sat at the back. Speak slowly and clearly. Maybe practice them in front of someone to get a second opinion or to get used to having a few more butterflies in your stomach. 20 or so tipsy first-class passengers, if you have them to hand.

Remember that your guests - and importantly, your partner - won’t have heard them before, so take your time. Leave pauses for a laugh, an ‘aw!’ or a tiny sob. Robbie kindly gives us a whole instrumental verse for Julia to swoon into the moment and for Glenn to get shoved into the toilet by Billy Idol and his obsessed fan pushing a hostess trolley. Thanks Robbie.

Say enough but don’t go on too long

Robbie gives us 12 beautiful lines. Verse, verse, bridge, verse, done. We don’t want to feel short changed but we also don’t want to yawn. Aim for 2-3 minutes. There will be plenty of other opportunities to say how you’re feeling and share stories - in a card for your partner to open that morning, in your speech later on, to each other in the coming days and weeks. 

What would be truly meaningful to your partner?

This is what it all boils down to. Your vows are a gift to your partner, the moment when you pledge yourself to them. Julia has been encouraging Robbie throughout the film that he’s more than just a wedding singer and should pursue writing his own songs. Writing these vows for Julia brings Robbie back to life and are the perfect way for him to say thank you to her for believing in him.

So, what would be meaningful to your partner to hear - as well as fun and comfortable for you to give? Is performing I Believe In A Thing Called Love by The Darkness what this moment really needs? If so, go for it! If not, think again. How do your vows fit with the tone and mood of the rest of your day? Who are you really doing it for? Will it make your guests - and most importantly, your partner - smile or cringe? 

You don’t have to do it

One of the best things about celebrant-led ceremonies is that there aren’t any rules. We are here to rid the world of ceremonies that are dry, dusty and full of obligation. You have the freedom to write your own vows, but you don’t have to. There are lots of beautiful versions already there to be chosen from. ‘To have and to hold, from this time forward, in sickness and health…’ Sometimes an oldie is a goodie. 

And as your celebrant, I’m always here to help.

I’d love to hear about some of your favourite  - or least favourite - ceremonies in TV, books and films and how they’ve impacted you!